Well, its a lovely day outside today, and i had planned to go for a drive - however, i am feeling a little unsteady today so i probably wont end up going. I got up early this morning (well, 9am) to make breakfast for my boyfriend, who has since gone off to as stag do which involves a nigh on the lash, and a trip to Go Ape - a kind of assault course up in the trees! Rather him than me.

I suppose as noone who reads this blog will know any background info, i ought to give some - about how i came to have M.E. and what level i am at now. I am suspecting that noone will read it - i am sort of writing it that way; because if i thought anyone was, i would have been more positive! Anyway, my M.E. started in May 2008, when i got some strange virus that started off like flu. This progressed to muscle heaviness and weakness, some numbness, anxiety and of course extreme tiredness. I lost my strength really suddenly, and although the shakiness has improved considerably, it is still there and my muscles are completely soft, with no tone and i am tired all the time. I gave up work in September 2008; with my employer keeping my job open for 6 months wihout pay; which of course have long since expired.

I am now at the satge where i can only walk short distances. If i walk 40 metres i will feel exhausted, but not straightaway - about 2 hours later! I can do bit of housework - bits of cooking, small amounts of ironing etc with rests inbetween, but not a 'normal' amount by any means. On a good day i can drive a short distance. So, i am mostly housebound, unless someone can drive me and drop me right outside the destination.

The hardest thing has been accepting the imact this has had on my life. Before all this, i guess my life was 'to' perfect. I loved my jobas an instructional designer for a small company. I loved to skate and would go three times a week, plus an exercise class. I would go out with friends to pubs and bars, shopping on Saturdays. Now i have none of this. The most i do is have a friend over for a visit, or be driven to a friend's house. if i get out at usually it's for medical appointments. I find it difficult to stay positive in view of all that i have lost. Sometimes i feel like a ghost to my own life - especially when i get driven past places i used to go. I can see my shadowy figure walking on ahead of me. And i can't stop the thought: 'Why me?' which has to be the worst one of the many thoughts i have.

It is difficult to see someone else doing your job, see friends socialising. I keep in touch with people which provides a 'window' into my past life. It is really heartbreaking to look through.