So, even though this is sort of ananymous, i find myself holding back a little. I think this is from my exerience of reading other blogs, which are far more gracious and accepting than mine. I'm afraid of spreading negativity everywhere, and i would like to think, that if there was one thing this illness can give me, it's a sense of pride that i can look back one day and say: 'Well, i handled that with diginity'. But i fear that with my attitude, it wont even afford me this. So where does that leave my misplaced and angry feelings? Maybe feeling unable to express them, except with my counsellor, is part of the problem. There is so much value these days, placed on the ability to put on a brave face, make the best of things and not complain. But who is it that places these demands on us? Those who don't have an illness like this, most likely. How can i be advised to accept something by people that wouldnt (or dont have to) accept it for themselves? And yet if i dont, and let myself be consumed with anger, jealousy, resentment, i am pressing my own self destruct button. I must be kinder to myself and others, and not waste my energy on stress that does noone any good. I am still perfecting that skill, and, believe me, it is a long way from perfection!

Yesterday, for the first time, i felt like i cried properly for what had happened. Don't get me wrong, i have cried far too many times before, but always with a sense of 'limbo'. Yesterday, something felt different - it was something i felt deep inside my chest, like a proper sense of physical release, that i hadn't felt before. For the first time i felt 'allowed' to feel the way i did, because there was a reason for it. So even though the diagnosis has brought fresh worries and compounded the idea that this might be here to stay for a while (or even longer), at least it gave me that.

I've was thinking a lot earlier about the idea of being 'forgotten', or in a sense 'out of sight, out of mind'; something that i've been acutely sensitive to, ever since this began. I suppose it is difficult to accept the normality of others' lives, while all this is going on in my own. There are few people that have really cared, some that have outright ignored, and several in between. I suppose i look for reassurance that at least some people try to understand what its like, even for a few seconds, as i know they have their own lives to lead. If i knew they were doing this, maybe i'd trust them not to forget me. If someone just said the simple words: 'That is absolutely horrible. I can completely understand why you're so scared', that would be enough. Sometimes, when people have asked me to explain the situation, i've tried to give examples of what i can and can't do. But somewhere along the line, either immediately or weeks later, they might say: 'But you can still go into town and go shopping can't you?' or 'Could you manage a day out somewhere?' which, as a result, makes me feel like ive not been heard. 'Of course i can't!' i want to snap back at them - but that wouldn't be allowed, now would it?! And this adds to the feeling of being completely alone with this. How can they understand if they can't be made to realise the facts? And if they don't realise the facts, they'll think i am coping and they'll think it's ok to forget.

Well i've dne my bit for the day. I've written my blog and i've cooked a meal myself and done some low level pottering. I should be grateful i can do this when there are some who can't, i'm aware of that much. So that's today...see you tomorrow!