Posting just because i am bored...

Its been a bit of a boring day today, although i did have a lovely evening yesterday with my friend; eating tasty jacket potatoes, chatting and watching a film. Was so nice to get out of these four walls for a bit and do something that is not related to my M.E.! Doing things like that makes me feel a little bit like my old self for a while.

The rain is bucketing down outside the window, and i am hoping there is something good on the telly tonight. I have just put the phone down having chatted to my boyfriend, and he too is holed up in his flat with a gale blowing outside. He is hoping to drive over tomorrow if the weather improves. We might not manage our pub lunch tomorrow though. I was feeling delicate today and had heart palpitations rather often (every time i moved, almost!) so i didnt make the hospital visit to my Grandad and i dont want to leave it any longer before going to see him - so i shall go tomorrow.

I am dying for a cuppa...but before i go and make one i want to just talk about the possible significance of my recurring dream...

Well, i have read that Reverse Therapy, which is a successful remedy for some M.E. sufferers, is based around the idea of finding a 'message' that is trying to be relayed to the patient by their unconscious mind. The patient, according to the theory has so far failed to pick up on this message and so the body goes into a state of emergency or 'fight or flight' because it is basically in a bit of a panic that this improtant message has not been received nor acted upon. This, apparently, is the basis of symptoms for M.E. in some cases. (Apologies to readers who already know all his!). Anyway, since i have got ill i have had the same dream around 20 times - i looked into the significance of recurring dreams and they too are supposedly the subconscious mind's way of relaying a message. And so, i have been trying to decode mine!

My dream is thus: I am ice skating around the old local ice rink which was demolished some years ago and replaced by a new one. The dream is great fun nd very vivid - as though i am really skating! Sometimes i skate without any difficulty, but in some dreams i have been out of control and unable to stop, in others i have felt too heavy and weak to skate (as in real life!) and sometimes i have been almost tripped over items of baggage which have been left all around the periphery of the rink. In several of these dreams there has been some kind of emergency; including a fire, someone collapsing on the rink and a small boy skating into a glass barrier, smashing it and cutting himself.

The idea of losing something seems to figure in these dreams too - either i leave my coat behind, cant find my bag or have had my wallet stolen. I dont find these items before i wake up. Anotherr recurrent theme is to do with the seating in the ice stadium - i was made to move out of my seat, because i had supposedly taken someone else's seat. It was insisted by this person that i moved, even thought there were hundreds of other spare seats. In another dream, my seat had gone rotten and the timber was coming away in my hands.

And lasly, in every dream, i have some kind of scheme going to halt the demolition of the stadium. Either i have won the lottery, or come into some money somehow, which means i am going to buy the stadium and save it. I should point out that i spent much of my childhood in the old stadium and my first childhood dream was to be a skater - unfortunately i did not have the ability, by a long shot! As an adult i have returned to skating and absolutely loved it, and thankfully, i am better at it now than i was as a child. When i got ill of course, i had to give it up. I say all these things because i wonder if anyone out there has any ideas what this dream could mean. I have a few theories of my won, but i wont put them on here just yet, as i would like to hear other's views, if you can spare a minute. Many thanks!

A successful week - thankfully!

Its been quite a successful week in that it has been busier than ususal and i hve survived it, without feeling too bad. I baked some cupcakes for my Grandad, have attended the hospital and met with my nutritionist, and i have also managed to walk around a (very) small shop in the nearby village and pick up a few clothes bargains, which cannot fail to cheer me up! Plus had a pub lunch with my boyfriend on saturday. By my standards, i think i have done well to squeeze all of this in. I am still getting lifts everywhere of course and i dont walk any more than a few metres; my mum always parking right outside, but at least its a step up from completely crashing for the rest of the day follwing every small outing. There have been the usual ups and downs, but its generally been a good week.

I watched an incredibly inspiring documentary the other night - about Katie Piper, who survived an attack in which acid was thrown into her face. I have such admiration for the girl, her bravery and dignity. She is beautiful too. She said something that really struck a chord with me - about how she saw herself before the attack as a 'best friend she wouldnt see again' because her life has changed so much. Now im not claiming to know how she feels or to have gone through anything remotley as horrific as she has, not for one minute, but a part of me can really understand that feeling of having your life completely change - i thought her quote put things in a nutshell. This world is just so competitive; everyone is judged on their achievements and their occupation - but until something happens to interfere with our plans, we just dont realise how much we are at the mercy of Lady Luck, in making our aspirations come true. I wish those people who sat in judegment of others under these terms would appreciate that they are lucky to be ignorant of the fact that this is no way to measure a person.

I am of to my friend's house tonight for tea and a DVD. I am looking forward to seeing her. She has been a really good friend - better than most actually. Some have treated me as if i have died! She has been a true friend, rather than someone who sees that i am no longer good to accompany them for a night out, etc, and therfore, am no use anymore!

I have to be thankful for this good week and hope it continues. Later.

On feeling negative

I've felt 'down' today. I dont know why. I've calmed down a little now. But i've had one of those days, as i have once in a while, where i have felt like i just cant accept the position i am in. It started with looking at Facebook and comparing my life to that of others -always a mistake. Then it progressed to looking at forums where people were explaining how CFS had affected them. Not that there is anything wrog with these forums! They can be a good thing - and of course i am doing the smae thing -posting how i feel online. But i dont know if looking at them is always a good idea for me. I start thinking of how its affected my life and then i get into a negative train of thought and catastrophic thinking. Maybe i shouldnt be posting then; i dont want to make someone else feel negative. So i wont go into too much about how i felt. But these feelings come, but at least they go, rather than staying with me all the time. As long as i continue to get better, that's the main thing. I know it wont happen overnight, and this glorious day where suddenly i am the person i once was is not going to come as one particular day. But rather it will happen gradually - i hope!

There is nothing i would love more than to be able to do all the things i used to do. To be able to walk distances without thinking about them and worrying if i can make it! Without having to ration whati do and 'forward plan' and ration my activities, just to keep the tiredness under control. And to walk down the steet with confidence and feel like a young and (a little bit more) attractive person! And to have a successful career again. OK now ill stop, because i am starting to list the things that i cant do, instead of the things i can. Must get out of the negative spiral and not get caught up inside my own head. I never got round to my baking today. I will do it tomorrow; then i will have achieved something and i shall feel better. I think anything is an achievement, however small. Wherever our 'baseline' of activity is, its an achievement to stick to it or even rise above it by a miniscule amount! Just keep plodding. Or as Dory from Finding Nemo says: 'Just keep swimming!'