I dont know what's worng with me... i used to love writing! But i cannot seem to get organised to post every day. Probably just as well, i would bore everyone! But i have just looked back and seen how woefully incomplete the blog is! Its time to correct this now...
So, i started in my last post to tell you about my beautiful dog and the fantastic effect she has had on my life. I think maybe she is the key to making me use a different part of my brain; the part that doesnt focus on symptoms and suffering. She gives me something to live for; which was desperately needed. Every day i have to make sure i feed her, let her out and if i feel good enough, take her for a 25 metre walk (and no further) up my road, for a sniff on the grass. Fortunately my family take her for proper walks. But all these little things have got me used to getting up out of my chair and having some tasks to aim for. And if i am just sitting here on the sofa, at least with the dog curled up on my lap, i am pleasing somebody!
I start my M.E. rehab on 24th November. This is an 8 week course run by my local hospital and includes such things as how to do pacing, coping with stress, pain, how to communicate with others to avoid being forced into doing things that are beyond our energy levels, etc. I already have the manual that accompanies the course, so i have most of the info already. I am excited and a little nervous about meeting other epople with M.E. So far i havent met any curent sufferers, even though i do know 3 people who have had it in the past. But current sufferers seem to have evaded me so far - in person i mean! Not sure how i will react. Will they be worsely affected than me? Will they be better? Will i be discouraged by those who have worse symptoms; thinking that i might end up the same way? Or will i feel worse if everyone else has more energy? Probably. But its worth a try.
At the moment i am doing some recommended stretchine exercises each day (although the past week i havent managed to do them, on top of everything else :( )
Another thing i am dreading is the 'payback' after the rehab sessions. They are 2 1/2 hours duration - how to concentrate for that long? Plus i have to be up early. So i dont know how ill be with that. Added to that my poor Grandfather lies ill in hospital with terminal cancer. I have to visit him as regularly as i am able, because i want to make the most of the time he is with us. I am worried that i wont be able to recover from my weekly rehab sessions in time to visit him each week also. But i have to; i cant waste the time we have. But it is going to be hard i think.
Sometimes i feel like i am immersed in the medical world, with illness all around me. It is rare i go out to do anything pleasurable. I miss countless things. I mss life as i knew it really. My life has changed beyond all recognition. I havent been shopping or out with friends properly for a year and a half. I havent been on a day out or had general freedom. Neother have a i been ice skating, which i loved, and of course, i dont work. So i miss lots of things. It's a strugle to carry on sometimes, when i look at life this way. I do try not to. And i have replaced a few of these things with other activities; i guess i have adapted. My latest attempts to occupy myself is through cooking and baking. My anti candida diet has meant i have had to prepare lots of meals from scratch - gone are the mocrowave dinners! So this has helped me to increase activity and pace myself automatically. Ive now started baking, so i can take little baked treats to my Grandad to cheer him up. It gives me a sense of purpose too.
A weird thing today - i have a rash appeared on my upper arm and waist - lota of tiny red, itchy spots! I am a little worred about it, but i will wait and see if it disappears...
Hoping for a better day today - yesterday was not good as i was recovering from the hospital visit. Why do car parks have to be so far away from the wards?? maybe ill do some baking today...
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